How to Walk Through the Mall When You're Single

If it is nighttime, park as close as you can to the front door. Park under a beaming lamp post, the one marked "Row A," and make sure that you clutch your keys tightly in your fist so that your Disneyland key chains slide against your Kate Spade bracelet. If it's daytime, still park as close as you can to the front door. You just never know.

Do no count the number of couple holding hands. Do not pay attention to whose fingers are on top, who stands on which side. Do not count them. One, two, seven, twenty-six. No, stop. You'll be stuck here all night if you keep following the couple with the matching red Chucks.

Do no fake your phone calls. When you realize that you're walking in the wrong direction, do not put your phone up to your ear to listen to nothing but shrieking children at Toys R Us. Everyone can tell you're faking it, anyway. No one ever makes a sudden u-turn in the middle of the mall because of a call you got from your grandmother.

Do, though, take this time for yourself. Spend forty-five minutes trying on those chiffon cocktail dresses in the window at Saks that you know are several hundred dollars out of your price range. Buy the essentials, the stuff you never get when you're out with your girlfriends. You need plain white tank-tops, ankle socks, and an alarm clock. Get a proper bra fitting. Buy that bra. You've been wearing the wrong size for years and that's why your back hurts.

But for the love of god, you need to stop counting the couples holding hands. Three, two, one. Attached to every engagement ring is a man who looks like he wants to take that ring back. You don't want to be an outlet-mall bride, do you?